you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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