The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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