You're completely useless in the revolution.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
