The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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