apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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