happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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