I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
