This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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