I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
