I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
