take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
