i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
