I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Randomize
