I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
