I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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