I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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