last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
