I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
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Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
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I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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