i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
