so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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