i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
