My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
