Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
