I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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