you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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