I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
