I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
