So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
