WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
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Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
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Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon