Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
