i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
