I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Shame - the story of my life.
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