her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
