so that wasnt chicken after all
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
