I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
