ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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