It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
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Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
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Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex