tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead