i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?