I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.