went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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