So drunk its hurt
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
