We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
