i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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