At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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