i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
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I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
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You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that