Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped