just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
