oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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