Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
