I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
