i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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