I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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