So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
