i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
