you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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