Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
