Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
