dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
