allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
