i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
